Impostor Syndrome

My 10 year high school class reunion was this weekend, and some girls from my old Girl Scout troop organized a small brunch the day after, which I unfortunately couldn’t attend (one of the downsides of living so far from home). However, it’s reminded me of an experience I had once at Girl Scout camp.

I remember the camp well. It was deep in the woods, with large platform tents, a spacious lodge that doubled as a cafeteria and event center, a boathouse with canoes and kayaks for the lake, and a pool that was always far too cold to swim in. There were always tons of s’mores and plenty of pranks. My troop would often sponsor events for younger girls where we would help them earn badges by doing activities with them. One year, when we were probably 13 or 14, our leader told us that one girl in one of the younger troops had Asperger’s. Our leader’s daughter also is on the spectrum, so she was all-in 100% for inclusion. Before we began our sessions, our leader told us that we should expect her behavior to be a little different from the other girls, like she may not respond right away when we talked to her, or she might be very focused on her work and not want to be interrupted. Pretty typical stuff.

Later, when the sessions had ended and it was just us older girls, we were talking about how the activities had gone that day. In reference to the autistic girl, my best friend blurted out “Oh my gosh, Sam, she’s just like you!”

At the time, I was a little insulted. But now? I’m so relieved.

Why am I relieved?

Because I still feel like an impostor sometimes. Because I feel the doubt that other people have about my diagnosis, even if it’s not explicit (which, by the way, it almost never is). Over time, that doubt creeps in. Am I really autistic, or am I just asking for special treatment?

But someone noticed. Someone noticed WITHOUT my having a meltdown.

That’s some hard-won validation.

Impostor Syndrome

Some thoughts

Things were not good today.

I left my job placement two days early today. Right in the middle of the most important time of year for this particular employer. I was pretty crucial to what they were doing, and I left them hanging.

Another broken commitment.

I tried so hard to make it work. I took my breaks in the quietest areas I could find. I used hearing protection in the form of earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones (sometimes both at the same time). I disclosed my ASD and asked to not have to come in on Saturdays as one of my accommodations since I desperately needed two whole days to recover.

But it still wasn’t enough.

The quietest areas still were not quiet enough. Earplugs and headphones cause me pain after a while, so then I had to choose between two different forms of sensory overload (auditory or tactile). I haven’t been sleeping well for months. I’ve been getting bad heartburn recently (some of which is contributing to the insomnia). I cut out coffee and carbonated drinks, and took a short course of lansoprazole, which helped but didn’t cure. I did a very expensive sound sensitivity treatment in some attempt to get my auditory sensitivity under control. It didn’t help.

Is this all life is? Just limping along through a series of jobs that I can only endure for shorter and shorter lengths of time?

(That was a rhetorical question, I know intellectually that that is not what life is. Doesn’t change the fact that that’s what it feels like).

I don’t know how to not work. I don’t know how to deal with a gap in my resume. I don’t know how I will find work if I’m not currently working. So I panic and leap at the first job I find, even if I know it will be a terrible fit. Then I panic when the sensory demands back me into a corner and I ungracefully escape, leaving a crater behind me. I don’t know how to stop this cycle of endless panic.

I should correct what I said above; I didn’t technically “leave” my placement, the temp agency offered to contact the client to let them know that I would not be in tomorrow, and then I am supposed to contact the temp agency again tomorrow to let them know how I’m doing. What I need is to not go back at all, but I couldn’t even say that.

I don’t know how to say “no”.

No wait, that’s not quite right.

I don’t know how to say “no” without sounding like an employee with an excuse. Like I’m just a fragile snowflake that needs cushy treatment.

I’ve become my own nightmare boss.

“This isn’t every job, you were just in an environment that wasn’t a good fit for you.”

How do I know what kind of an environment is a good fit? I never know if a job is going to trigger my sensory issues until I’ve been there a while. It’s impossible for me to figure it out during an interview, and I can’t even make a general list of what is good/bad because it’s literally been different for every job. The same job can be either perfect or impossible depending on the environment. How can I know when I find it if I can never tell until I’m already neck-deep?

Some thoughts


Oh hey blog, long time no see.

I’m still working on a follow-up post to that last one. In the meantime, here’s what’s going on with me:

-Working with my urologist to see if my congenital kidney issue is in fact getting worse. After 2 imaging tests, it turns out it’s not getting worse…yet. Just another fun condition that I have to keep monitoring for the rest of my life and will possibly require surgery at some nebulous time in the future.

-Trying to find a mental health provider that is familiar with SPD/ASD in adults AND takes Medicaid (I anticipate this taking a while).

-Continuing with my occupational therapy for SPD.

-Working with my GP to find out if my sound sensitivity has a physical cause versus a neurological cause. Her preliminary diagnosis is Eustachian Tube Dysfunction (i.e. I have fluid buildup behind my eardrums), but a referral to an ENT/audiologist will give me some more details.

-Tutoring 3 students until the end of the school year, 2 in high school and 1 in middle school. Pay and hours are crap, but it pays the student loans and prevents the dreaded “resume gap”. And I guess it’s also good for experience in general. So, it’s something.

-Trying to incorporate all the changes my OT and I come up with consistently in every day life (transitioning into me cooking dinner instead of my fiance more often has been very helpful).

-Volunteering at my sensory processing therapy center and at the library.

-Job shadowing various PT/OT clinics and researching PT/OT graduate programs.

-Listing out other potential career choices, keeping in mind my sensory needs.

-Coming up with other activities that are productive (i.e. not Facebook) but don’t aggravate my physical issues (bye bye knitting, it was nice for the 15 years it lasted).

-Learning to advocate for my sensory needs in all variety of situations (such a constant, delicate balancing act).

-Joined the Autistic Gaming Initiative, despite knowing next to nothing about Twitch/streaming video games in general. The community has been very supportive so far, and even though it’s a learning curve to get started, it’s one that I’m looking forward to (I suppose caring greatly about the cause probably helps).

Most of the time, even though I know that I’m doing what’s best for me and my body, progress feels agonizingly slow. My OT says that this is actually a good thing. If I were to make sweeping, dramatic changes, it’s very likely that they wouldn’t stick long-term. That’s just not how the brain works. The key to making significant life changes as an adult with SPD is small, incremental steps. When I take the time to actually sit down and think about it, I really have made some tremendous progress. It’s just been over the last 3, 6, even 12 months. It’s easy to be blind to the progress we make when it happens slowly.

So, that’s where I am at the moment. Still feels like I’m on a crazy roller coaster about to be launched out of my seat any second, but at least I’ve ridden it a few times now so I know where the particularly wild sections are and can tighten my grip in those spots.


IUD Removal

This is part 1 of a write-up of my experiences with a little-studied women’s health issue not commonly seen in the media, but I think is more common than we realize.

I originally wrote this post not too long after this experience over a year ago around February 2016. It is intensely personal, sometimes graphic, and absolutely necessary for me to share. I think many women experience something similar at some point in their lives, but are too ashamed to talk about it. Breaking the taboo starts with sharing…as scary as that is for me.

*deep breath*

Content note for…description of painful medical procedures? Not sure exactly what to put here, but I do get detailed in describing my intense sensory reactions to the procedure.

–begin original post–


Goddammit, I hate the gynecologist.

There is much more to this story. It will be added later once words fully come back.


So. Let’s start from the beginning shall we? This is gonna be a long post.

I had a Mirena IUD inserted in September of 2014. It hurt, but I was expecting that, and the cramping in the few months following was the worst I’d ever experienced (4 ibuprofen at a time 2-3 times a day), but again I expected it. The 3-month follow-up appointment went fine, my periods mostly stopped (I just had light irregular spotting), and the cramping eventually…mostly subsided. However, they persisted. This was weird. On the pill, my cramps were much better, so in theory the hormonal IUD should have had the same effect. But there was another weird thing going on: The cramping seemed unrelated to my period and more related to my bowel movements.

I know, gross and TMI. But, I’ve had BM issues my entire life, and so I’m very attuned to that part of my bodily functions. Every morning, I take a probiotic supplement along with a hi-fiber protein powder to keep me regular (I mix it with rice milk. The fiance refers to it as “sewer sludge” since it doesn’t really dissolve well and has this sickly greenish tint). However, I also developed a need to drink a cup of coffee in the morning to prevent myself from falling asleep on the drive in to work. I noticed that this, in combination with my sewer sludge routine, would cause some colon spasms and cramping. So I started taking my sewer sludge in the evening with dinner, thinking that would help. Not so much. Last December, I finally got fed up enough with popping ibuprofen nearly every day and just decided I wanted the damn IUD out.

I go in to the Planned Parenthood clinic where I had it put in, and we discovered that my strings were gone. The nurse told me that I should make an appointment at another clinic for an intravaginal ultrasound to make sure that it was placed correctly and not perforated (she emphasized that this was unlikely, but if it wasn’t positioned correctly it wouldn’t be effective as birth control and I would need to use backup). I wanted to get this taken care of NOW, so I immediately started calling all the places on the list of referrals she gave me. The only place that could get me in within a week was the huge university hospital all the way across the city. But, I was desperate, so I made the appointment and took the afternoon off work. The ultrasound itself was basically painless, in fact it was kind of cool because there was a TV set up so I could see the whole thing. The technician tells me that they’ll send the official results to my doctor I provided on my intake sheet in a couple of weeks, but that unofficially the radiologist thought that everything looked okay.

I leave a few days later to spend 9 days over Christmas with the future in-laws and try not to think about it too much. Fast forward another few weeks and I still haven’t heard anything. Huh. Probably should call in and get this taken care of. So, first I call Planned Parenthood again to make an appointment for removal. I very specifically tell the girl on the phone that there are no strings and ask how that will affect the removal process. She assures me that that’s no problem, and schedules me at my normal clinic. When I tell them this at my appointment, they tell me that she was incorrect and that I will need an ultrasound guided removal, which is only possible at the main clinic across town. So, another appointment scheduled, another day to be taken off work.

I decide to try and find another clinic that can do the removal. I start calling places near where I work since there appears to be nothing close to where I live. I get lucky and find a clinic about 10 minutes from my job. So, I go through the same process: Call for an IUD removal, ask if they can do ultrasound guided removal (they can!), tell them I have no strings and I’d like an appointment ASAP. At this point, I shouldn’t have been surprised that when I arrived, I was informed by the nurse that ultrasound removals are only performed on Wednesdays and Thursdays when a physician is present, and I will need to reschedule. However, she treats me for bacterial vaginosis (for which I was completely asymptomatic until she tried to insert the speculum, at which point I experienced a stronger-than-usual burning sensation-more on that in part 2-and she noticed angry, inflamed tissue), and helps me make an appointment for the following week after the infection has cleared up.

This is the part where I’m about to get very descriptive with my sensory experience. Proceed as you see fit.

I arrived for my appointment fully expecting it to be uncomfortable and painful. The intake technician was very nice and did her best to answer my questions. Then, the nurse practitioner breezed in. I could tell immediately that this was probably going to be worse than I expected. Her manner was not rude, but definitely brusque; the type of person that likes to get in, get it done, and get out. At one point I told her that a smaller speculum would probably be best, and she switched to that condescendingly smug tone I’m so used to hearing from doctors and informed me that she would have to use the largest one she had in order to try to make the removal as easy as possible (I was visibly agitated and nervous about this). Crap. I know from experience what that tone means (lots of pain for me). She tells me that she will try to remove it without the ultrasound first as that will be much easier, but fires up the machine just in case it’s needed. She tells me that she’s going to perform an initial exam of my uterus to get and idea of the placement. Now, I’ve had my fair share of latex-gloved fingers up my hoo-ha, but good god this woman. First off, she goes way too fast and gives me no warning for when they’re going in. I immediately gasp and clamp up (my typical reaction to this sort of thing), and she starts telling me in that same condescendingly smug tone to “slow [my] breathing” and “relax”. At this point I’m heading very quickly to sensory overload and my anxiety is through the roof. Forget calm, I’m about to scream.

She finishes her exam and decides to bring in my intake technician in case she needs an extra hand. I manage to mumblingly ask if she can go a bit slower, to which her response is a condescending “I’ll try.” The technician comes over to let me hold her hand (god bless this woman, I may have had a fit if she hadn’t been there). The nurse inserts the speculum in the same way as the glove exam: Fast, and with much obvious pain and discomfort on my end, followed by condescending words from her. Now I’m crushing the poor technicians hand and tears are streaming down my face through tightly-clenched eyes. I feel a hard, deep pinch, give a loud “OUCH!”, and the nurse exclaims “I got it! Look, it’s right here!” She keeps berating me to look at it, so I manage to crack open one of my eyes and I see this hazy T-shaped thing dangling from the end of her forceps. I manage a weak nod in solidarity. Meanwhile, the technician is clearly distressed at my level of anxiety, and is doing anything she can to comfort me. I think she felt a little out of her league, but damned if she didn’t try her hardest.

I should have thanked her more.

I should probably mention that at this point I’ve lost words. I’m just sitting there still holding the technician’s hand and focusing on controlling my breathing and alleviating the unpleasant tingling sensation that has spread through my arms and legs and up my neck into my face (WTF, I’ve never experienced that before??!!). The nurse is babbling about something, but she then looks at me for the first time since the removal and finally seems visibly upset at my agitated state (I’ll admit this made me happy), and tries to adopt a more caring tone. She keeps asking if I’m okay as she cleans up, and I manage to hand signal to the technician that I just need 5 minutes. The damn nurse keeps touching me, in an attempt at reassurance, but it’s only making things worse. Words come back after a few agonizing minutes, and I manage to squeak out that I’ll be fine, I just really don’t like being touched. The nurse TOUCHES me one last time and tells me to take my time and to come up front when I’m ready. I shakily put my clothes back on after a couple more minutes and manage to make it out to the checkout area. As I’m leaving the clinic, I’m just so relieved that the damn thing’s out that it helps me calm down enough to be able to drive home.

That was a hard few paragraphs to write for me. But I think it’s important to document what happened so I (and maybe others) can learn from this. For the record, I don’t hold it against the clinic. I’ve met my fair share of doctors and nurses with this manner. However, I think I’ll be more forthcoming in finding a doctor from now on that’s willing to accommodate my sensory needs. Because I’m just so tired of being in pain.

–end original post–

There is a bright side to this. Part 2 will be about my ongoing recovery, from a physical and sensory perspective.

IUD Removal

Adventures in Therapy

Well, things went in an interesting direction at my therapy session last week. I mentioned previously that I was apprehensive that it would actually help me since I didn’t think therapies existed for my most pressing issues.

We started the session trying out some games in the Wii Fit Plus. I had tried some at home, and we also tried some new ones. Some of them were too easy, some too hard, but the important question of the day was, according to my therapist: “Was it fun?” It was a resounding no for all. Either they went too fast too early on and I couldn’t catch up, or had a time limit that made me too anxious, or they made sound out of the controller (IT’S NOT MORE IMMERSIVE, DAMMIT NINTENDO!).

On to Wii Sports, which I have played before. Kind of the same deal as the Fit Plus. Either it was too easy (boring), or the motion I was doing didn’t feel like it matched what was happening on the screen (frustrating). Not fun.

Changing gears a bit, we turned on the Xbox and tried some dance game. I was a little more hopeful for this one since I was a Dance Dance Revolution fiend back in the day, though I had to give it up when it started to put too much strain on my joints. While the Kinect gives you more freedom than a mat with arrows on it, there was one hitch: Since I have actual dance experience, I found it too simplistic. I kind of expected this, and I didn’t think that turning up the difficulty would have made it any more interesting to me. We attempted to try one last Zumba game, but the controls for the game were so hard to use that I gave up quickly (come on guys, motion control in moderation, see above for my opinion on its immersiveness).

I feel like I’m not physically strong enough to do the things I once found fun. I know what I was capable of in the past before all of my injuries, and I feel like I just need to grit my teeth and get through some serious training to get back there. It was about this point that we started talking about what I could do to try and find a fun, mild physical activity, because “it’s more likely that you’ll stick to it if it’s fun.”

Mentally, I said, “I haven’t found anything fun in a long time.”

Oooooh. Depression you sneaky bastard.

It was at this point that I mentioned that I really wanted to start dancing again, but that I wouldn’t be able to because of my auditory sensitivities. Dance studios are usually large rooms with hard surfaces that echo EVERYTHING, and the one adult class I tried to go to went way too fast. (I may have taken lessons for a decade, but it’s been over a decade since I quit, so I definitely need a refresher. Private lessons would probably be ideal, but HAHAHA who am I kidding, I have no income to pay for that).

Puzzled, she looked at me and said, “How did you take lessons for 10 years if the sound was too much for you?” I replied that I didn’t used to be this sensitive to noise, it’s only been the last few years that it’s gotten so bad that I can’t do most of the things I used to enjoy, musical endeavors included.

Ooooooh, also probably contributing to the depression.

“Oh,” she said. “You know, I’m taking a training course for our Sound Sensitivity therapy next week. I tried it already with one of the kids I work with, and it made a huge difference. It’s a 5 hour program, and you can do most of it at home.”

Oh hey. I didn’t even know therapy like that existed. And here I thought I’d be jumping out of my skin at ALL THE NOISES forever. I mean, there’s no guarantee that it’s going to work for me, but it at least gave me something to look forward to. I also made an appointment with my psychologist for next week, because depression is a sneaky bastard and I need some help untangling that mess. So yeah, feeling a tiny bit better about things this week…even though I still forgot 2 appointments last week.

Sigh. One thing at a time.

Adventures in Therapy

Masterpost Blues

I’ve been trying to come up with some kind of “SPD masterpost” series since I started group therapy a few weeks ago (and individual therapy last week). It’s really interesting, and I’ve learned a lot about the current research going on for SPD. They always give us handouts, and we usually do some kind of activity as well. I think the information is really good and I want to try and bring that to people.

But when it comes to putting the actual post together…maybe I’m just not a “masterpost” kind of writer. Or maybe the words just haven’t come to me yet.

Honestly the things that keep coming to me are some serious doubts about how effective the occupational therapy will be. This isn’t because the therapist isn’t skilled, it’s more because I’m afraid that treatment doesn’t yet exist for my most pressing symptoms: hypersensitivity to noise and smells. Sure, I can cut through the sensory input to complete a task for a test or during a session, but in real life? When I walk past someone at the store with too much perfume, or when something gets dropped on a hard floor, what is there to help with that? My threshold for these things is much lower than the general population, and from what I’m reading about other adults, this is nearly impossible to change. Most of the therapy so far has focused on knowing how to recognize when my body is reaching its limits, which is very valuable, and I’m getting much better at it.

Well, at least she had a good suggestion last week: Do some job shadowing while I’m in limbo. Not so much for the “what” and “why” as much as the sensory needs. I can be happy doing almost any type of work, because I find so many different things interesting and I can figure most things out with proper training and guidance. Finding purpose is not difficult for me either, it comes down to a combination of being interested in the work and valued by the organization. However, the only way to know if the sensory needs will align with mine is through some real-life experience. Every work environment is so specific, even within a particular field. I need to find people I know that have worked in a variety of different places, so that I can get as much information as possible. It’s likely that whatever I choose will require more schooling, so I’d like to get an idea if it will actually work for me before I take the plunge and spend all that time and money.

Things are still hard, I’m still struggling physically with back pain and some hand issues, but both are getting better. Only thing to do is keep moving forward, even though I just feel like I’m spinning in circles the whole time.


Masterpost Blues

And Then I Have a Bad Week

After that last cracker of a post, would you believe I felt like doing nothing but crying most of the day last Monday? I mostly did just that, though while doing various things around the house that needed doing. Crying being one of them.

I’m teetering on the edge of the Overwhelmed Cliffs most of the time these days, but I don’t usually cry unless I topple over the edge. For me, crying comes at the end of a long chain of events and feelings that I don’t/can’t identify, and then there’s that final tiny push that’s just too much. In this case, I think the tiny push was completing my application to work as a page at the local library.

Now, I’ve worked in libraries before, in high school and college, and my mom’s a librarian who will be retiring next year with nearly 4 decades working in the same position. I think it will be a great fit for me at this point, as it’s part time and it will allow me the time I need to go to all of my medical appointments in the near future. It’s also moderate physical work, which works perfectly for me as sitting at a desk all day is equally as difficult as hard, physical labor (both of which I know from experience).

What I’m trying to say is, I’m no stranger to library work.

And yet it made me feel awful to fill out that application.

Okay, back up, try to identify the feelings that were happening before the tiny push. Go slowly, link by link.




Well, on paper you’re a low-income single woman, so you’d probably qualify for Medicaid. You should fill out an application.



This is what catastrophizing looks like, and it’s so hard to explain to people. It’s often an invisible struggle, and putting it into words is hard to do without sounding whiny or just plain crazy. I know that some of those things won’t happen. I know that I just need to start the process and take things one step at a time. Knowing these things doesn’t negate the feelings slowly building up, link by link, until one little push is all it takes to crash to the bottom.

Neurotypical people do this too, but it often is not as disabling. Autistic/depressed people are more likely to fall off the catastrophe cliff due to our tendency to think in black-and-white (and also our tendency to perseverate on a single topic for extended periods). Developing the skills to overcome this takes time, effort, and probably some professional help. It’s not something that can be just willed away; you have to completely change your thought/emotional patterns.

For now, this is what I live with at least once per week. Until I can get a better handle on my sensory issues, which I’m hoping to hear about next week at my follow-up at STAR, the emotional/behavioral side of things will have to wait.

UPDATE: I started this post last week, and am just now getting around to publishing it. I have an appointment next week to take to a Health Care Assistant that specializes in finding health plans that are affordable and will cover unique needs, such as mine. From the brief phone conversation we had, it sounds like I’ll be on Medicaid for the time being (I did try to start the online process but CHRIST is it confusing). I also met with the OT at STAR for my SPD evaluation follow-up, and there were definitely some interesting things in it. Working on a post about it now, might have to break it up into a series (my first series-post??! That could be exciting).

And Then I Have a Bad Week