After that last cracker of a post, would you believe I felt like doing nothing but crying most of the day last Monday? I mostly did just that, though while doing various things around the house that needed doing. Crying being one of them.
I’m teetering on the edge of the Overwhelmed Cliffs most of the time these days, but I don’t usually cry unless I topple over the edge. For me, crying comes at the end of a long chain of events and feelings that I don’t/can’t identify, and then there’s that final tiny push that’s just too much. In this case, I think the tiny push was completing my application to work as a page at the local library.
Now, I’ve worked in libraries before, in high school and college, and my mom’s a librarian who will be retiring next year with nearly 4 decades working in the same position. I think it will be a great fit for me at this point, as it’s part time and it will allow me the time I need to go to all of my medical appointments in the near future. It’s also moderate physical work, which works perfectly for me as sitting at a desk all day is equally as difficult as hard, physical labor (both of which I know from experience).
What I’m trying to say is, I’m no stranger to library work.
And yet it made me feel awful to fill out that application.
Okay, back up, try to identify the feelings that were happening before the tiny push. Go slowly, link by link.
Well, for one thing, HOLY CRAP I NEED AN INCOME BECAUSE I NEED TO PAY MEDICAL BILLS BUT I CAN’T WORK THE SAME TYPES OF JOBS AND HOURS THAT I USED TO BECAUSE OF SAID MEDICAL ISSUES AND MY FAMILY WON’T LET ME FREELOAD FOREVER AS THEY’RE FOND OF REMINDING ME WHEN I ASK FOR MONEY!
ALSO I NEED INSURANCE BUT CAN’T AFFORD OPEN MARKET OR GETTING MARRIED AND ADDING ME ON TO HUSBAND’S PLAN.
Well, on paper you’re a low-income single woman, so you’d probably qualify for Medicaid. You should fill out an application.
NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE, COMPLICATED GOVERNMENT PAPERWORK, WHAT IF I FILL IT OUT WRONG AND EVEN IF I DO GET APPROVED WILL I CONSTANTLY HAVE TO PROVE THAT I’M ELIGIBLE AND WHAT IF THEY THINK I’M LYING AND TAKE IT AWAY AND I KNOW SOME MEDICAL PROVIDERS WON’T TAKE IT AND WHAT IF I NEED TO FIND NEW DOCTORS WHEN I’VE ALREADY SPENT SO MUCH TIME AND EFFORT FINDING THESE DOCTORS THAT I LIKE AND WHAT IF-WHAT IF-WHAT IF-
This is what catastrophizing looks like, and it’s so hard to explain to people. It’s often an invisible struggle, and putting it into words is hard to do without sounding whiny or just plain crazy. I know that some of those things won’t happen. I know that I just need to start the process and take things one step at a time. Knowing these things doesn’t negate the feelings slowly building up, link by link, until one little push is all it takes to crash to the bottom.
Neurotypical people do this too, but it often is not as disabling. Autistic/depressed people are more likely to fall off the catastrophe cliff due to our tendency to think in black-and-white (and also our tendency to perseverate on a single topic for extended periods). Developing the skills to overcome this takes time, effort, and probably some professional help. It’s not something that can be just willed away; you have to completely change your thought/emotional patterns.
For now, this is what I live with at least once per week. Until I can get a better handle on my sensory issues, which I’m hoping to hear about next week at my follow-up at STAR, the emotional/behavioral side of things will have to wait.
UPDATE: I started this post last week, and am just now getting around to publishing it. I have an appointment next week to take to a Health Care Assistant that specializes in finding health plans that are affordable and will cover unique needs, such as mine. From the brief phone conversation we had, it sounds like I’ll be on Medicaid for the time being (I did try to start the online process but CHRIST is it confusing). I also met with the OT at STAR for my SPD evaluation follow-up, and there were definitely some interesting things in it. Working on a post about it now, might have to break it up into a series (my first series-post??! That could be exciting).